Actually, I can…and I will.
For nine months I struggled to find words worth adding to my manuscripts. Heartbreak crippled me and I avoided writing happily ever after’s for my characters because I was hurting. Delete was the most used key on my computer, and stagnate was where I was at.
I allowed myself to wallowed in feelings of not being enough, which grew like a noxious weed to encapsulate and sum up my whole life and not just my relationship with Mr Not So Right.
After so long down I found it difficult to climb back up, as if the walls of my misery pit were lined with moss and I couldn’t get a grip on anything. So I sat and I waited…
The bottom of the pit opened up from beneath me when I received a message from Mr Not So Right announcing he’d arrived in town. The usual playful banter via messenger was back, until he informed me that his days were already counted for and I didn’t make the cut.
Yep, I was back to crying myself to sleep at night…okay, day and night. My want for anything, even to climb out of the ever deepening pit, faded. I went through the motions of each day as if preprogrammed from years of living one day over again and never moving forward.
My dreams floated somewhere above, out of reach, taunting me…a constant reminder that I was still so far from achieving them. For the first time ever I allowed myself to believe that maybe I couldn’t…that I wasn’t enough, that I never was and I never would be. That was until I received another message…
‘I’m in transit. I’ll reply.’
Those 5 words were all it took for change.
I laughed. I laughed so hard that tears ran down my cheeks for a completely different reason. It felt good. Laughter was what I needed in my life, not misery. Instead of sitting in front of my computer and forcing words onto the page, I took time out.
I went to the gym, indulged in a reflexology treatment and caught up with family and friends. After a few days I felt more alive than I had in a long time and ideas began to flow freely.
A week later I was ready. I got up determined to make a dent in the goals I had set in order to achieve my dreams. A manuscript I had been working on caught my attention. I wanted a project I could complete before my head hit the pillow that evening, so I was quick to rule the novel out as an option.
I pondered for a few minutes as I made myself a latte. I toyed with the idea of what if I could finish it. The satisfaction of conquering such a massive task would be the perfect boost I needed…so I took the challenge.
8,500 words was all it took. 8,500 words before I typed The End. The most exciting part in the process for me was knowing that it was actually the beginning. I believed in myself. I grasped the challenge with both hands, and I did it!
This week, as we move from February to March, I am embracing the motto Actually, I can…and I will. I can’t wait to see what new adventures March brings.
I hope your week is filled with inspiration.
❤ Brenna x